Things to avoid saying to your friends with Infertility

Infertility is always a very hard topic, and often very sensitive. Some couples are very vocal about it, sharing their journey with their friends and family, or even on social media. Some couples choose to be more private about their struggle. Regardless of which approach you may choose if you are struggling with infertility, sometimes people can make hurtful comments. 

If you have a friend or loved one struggling with infertility, here are some common questions or phrases I would AVOID. Speaking as someone who struggled for nearly 3 years to get pregnant, I have heard my fair share of comments that made me want to pull my hair out. Or hit something. So let me just say, you don’t want to be THAT person. So avoid these comments:

1. “So when are you going to give me a grandbaby?”

Honestly, sometimes parents can make the most hurtful comments, especially if they don’t understand how painful the infertility journey can be. I have found it easier to be open and honest with my parents throughout our fertility journey. I often had to let them know when they crossed a line. Parents usually mean well, and they are hopeful and prayerful for you, but just let them know what you need is support during this time, not pressure to give them that grandbaby.

2. “So when are you going to start trying for kids?”

Another relatively well-meaning question, this one usually coming from friends or sometimes people you don’t know. I got it from patients, coworkers, and people at church all the time. If you are the kind of person who is asking this question: STOP! It is none of your business when someone decides to start a family. This question can be offensive to people that may have been trying to conceive for a while, to people who have had recurrent miscarriages, or to people who may never want to have kids. The bottom line is this; when you choose to have kids is nobody’s business but your own.

3. “Oh don’t worry so much about it. It will happen once you stop trying.”

This is easily the most useless comment you can say to someone struggling with infertility. While it is true that stress can often make it more difficult to conceive, and it’s important to ensure you are not turning your sex life into a chore, or focusing too much on your fertility until it drives you crazy, these comments are still not helpful. “Stop trying?” So what do you mean, just stop having sex? Never tell a woman who is trying to get pregnant to stop trying. It’s terrible advice. Instead you could try saying things that are more helpful- “I’m sorry you are going through this difficult time, i’m sure you must be stressed, is there anything I can do for you?” Or even better, “I know it’s probably taking a toll on your sexual intimacy, do you have any fun places on your sex bucket list?”

4. “I have this friend who couldn’t get pregnant, until she tried ______ method. You should try it!”

This is another well-meaning comment, but not very helpful. There are so many causes of infertility, there is no one size fits all method. If you are someone who likes to give advice, you might ask your friend struggling with infertility, “I’m sure you have probably tried a lot of methods, or received a lot of advice, what have you tried so far? I have a suggestion that a friend of mine did, it might help you if you’d like me to tell you about it.”

I had friends sending me ticktocks of different cinnamon concoctions to use, or sending me special prenatal vitamins to try. Did I try most of them? Yes. Yes, I did. At first, I found the advice and suggestions well-meaning and thoughtful. But after the 800th different vitamin, or ovulation tracker that wasn’t effective, I was tired of suggestions that were not helpful.

Again, the causes of infertility vary. My mother was convinced I had PCOS for the first 2 years of our infertility journey. She kept telling me to ask my doctor to start me on Metformin, or other medications to help with ovulation. In the end, I actually ended up having endometriosis, another cause of subfertility or infertility that is the complete opposite of PCOS. 

So don’t try to fix people’s infertility because you had a friend that tried something that worked out for them. Be respectful, and give advice if it’s solicited. 

5. “Oh you should be grateful, kids/pregnancy is the worst.”

Just general good advice to your friends struggling with infertility- don’t ever complain about being pregnant, or about having kids. Your friends would kill to be in your position. You can complain to your other friends who are pregnant, but complaining about pregnancy to your friends who CANNOT get pregnant, is a special kind of cruelty. 

My best advice when talking to your pregnant friends is to be genuine. If they have trusted you with the knowledge they are struggling to conceive, don’t treat that lightly. Try not to be offensive. The main thing couples with infertility need is support. Let them know you are there for them if they need anything. Ask them how you can help. DON’T give advice if it’s not asked for, more often than not it’s more hurtful than helpful. Even if your intentions are good. 

Infertility is difficult. There is so much hoping each month, and praying that this will be your time, only to be met with recurrent disappointment. So be kind to these friends. They are fighting a constant battle, and no one knows when the rainbow will come after the rain.